Today God spoke through my three year old.
Stella came into my bedroom carrying a picture she had constructed. I asked her if it was for Hudson, because lately she has been creating lots of art for her brother. She smiled at me, shook her head, and pointed with one little finger in my direction. Then, she uttered these profoundly prophetic words, "It's for you; it's a tornado; it's exactly what you wanted."
My child had unknowingly created a visual picture of my internal life using a blue glue stick and scraps of paper: a tornado.
I have really struggled the past few weeks as I've made the transition from a mother of one child to a mother of two children. I've lost control of the life I once had. It often seems I can please no one - let alone myself. I can barely get out the door, time is simultaneously crawling and flying by me, the house is a mess, sleep is a hot commodity, and the list goes on. As a sad attempt to regain some of my lost control I have resorted to my usual behavior when things feel crazy: I have spent an inordinate amount of time cleaning...cleaning to the point of obsession. The absolutely maddening thing is now, unlike before, the cleaning NEVER ends! As soon as I get one room perfect, another requires my attention, and by the time I get the next room done the first is a mess again; so, I start cleaning over, and over, and over again, all day long. I have desperately tried to distract Stella and Hudson while running around the house picking up everything in sight - and frankly, I'm more of a mess inside my head than anywhere else.
In the midst of this craziness I realize I have been living a lie for many years. The main reason it has taken me so long to realize my own self-inflicted captivity is now the control has finally been stripped from my hands. In the past, I have had enough time and energy to nurture the lie. The lie is I am in complete control of my life. When we just had Stella it was easier to keep things the way I wanted. I felt freedom in my identity as a mom and a wife, but now I am realizing this feeling of freedom was based, at least in large part, on the fact life looked the way I wanted it to look on the outside.
The sad truth is I've wasted so much time.
Today I surrendered the fight, because I simply can't do this anymore. I don't want my children to grow up remembering me spending my time obsessing over things which do not matter, especially things which do not matter in comparison to how much my children, MY CHILDREN, matter to me. I want to be present for them in a new way and I want them to know what true freedom in Christ looks like - not fabricated freedom that comes from me controlling every aspect of life.
So, I am clinging to the promises of God as he helps me fight against my habits in order to achieve true peace in Him.
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43: 18-19
Today, we stayed in our pajamas until early afternoon, the mess grew around us as we spent time together, I took the time to make Stella really laugh. I allowed her to take pictures of all three of us on my phone - before I had showered and before the house was clean. I posted a few of the photos on Facebook. Small steps for some but a victory in my life. I asked God to help me in this fight today and I pray it was the first day of God doing a new thing in me and my family.
