What to do when your motherly instincts fail you??

I think most of motherhood has been driven, for me, by instincts.  In large part, I've known what is best for Stella at any given point in her life; I've felt pretty comfortable and confident in motherhood because of this.  But when it comes to my daughter not napping, I'm clueless.  I find myself going back and forth as to whether or not we are doing the right thing by going with the flow and letting Stella skip her nap at only 22 months old.  For the past few weeks we've been experimenting with no naps - for anyone who has been reading my blog lately you've seen the recent photos of her passed out sleeping on our couch at 4:30 in the afternoon and napping in her carseat on the way to walk on the beach (glasses crookedly hanging off her little face...).  

I came home tonight from mentoring Nicky, a wonderful girl from the youth group at church, and Tim told me Stella was a hot mess when he got her home from Grammy Susan's house.  Stella went over to visit Grammy Suze and stayed with her this afternoon until 6:30pm.  Susan is so great and, as usual, Stella was fed and bathed when Tim arrived to pick her up.  However, by the time Tim got her home Stella was exhausted from all the activities of the day and no nap - she was hitting Tim when he wouldn't give her juice, sucking in air while simultaneously sobbing and sucking her thumb, and pleading for "bed, bed, bed."  It's nights like these that make me feel like we're getting it totally wrong with not having her nap. The alternative, though, when she was napping was weeks of her taking an hour or more at night to fall asleep...clearly not tired; it seemed equally inappropriate and exhausting that her bedtime (at less than two year old) was usually around 9pm.

I know that raising a child is full of transitions and phases, it's just hard when you're not fully able to distinguish what your child needs on a given day - especially when these days seem pretty unpredictable in the sleep department.

Funnies.

Stella cracks me up all the time.  I'm sure most kids make their parents laugh often; however, I think Stella truly has a great sense of humor.  She does things intentionally because she knows they'll be funny, and she's right 99% of the time.  It's a great thing to laugh together - my family is fully of genuinely hilarious people,  it's one of the things about my family I love the most, and I'm glad she's got the gene, too!

Marriage.

The Inn at Thorn Hill (Jackson, NH) - see snowy Mt. Washington in the background!?

Tim and I went away for an overnight to the White Mountains.  Don't kid yourself, we weren't camping (although, Tim would have been thrilled if we had) - we stayed at a luxury bed and breakfast thanks to a generous gift certificate we got from my mom for our five year anniversary.  For those of you keeping track, we've been married seven years this July...so, we're a little slow on the uptake when it comes to cashing in on lovely gifts like this one!  

I was looking forward to time away, and our time together reminded me of how thankful I am for our marriage.  It's rare to find someone to whom you are not only attracted, but someone with whom you can share openly, someone who loves you unconditionally and is a provider for your family.  Most importantly to us both, our marriage is founded on the person of Jesus Christ - which means that when there are moments or even seasons of difficulty, which there have been in the past ten years together, our foundation is solid because it's not built on either of us as people.  Tim is an amazing father to Stella and he's a wonderful husband.  I love that we really make each other laugh and we genuinely enjoy spending time together.  It was worth the two and a half years I spent waiting for a relationship with him when I met him at age 18.  My marriage has far exceeded all of my expectations.  So, I'll sing it AGAIN from the mountaintops - I love my husband and I'm so thankful to be married to him!  

What's Happening at My House at 4:30pm?

4:30pm at my house today, this was what was going on:

And here's a shot from yesterday in the car on the way to the beach for a walk:

Sooooo...I'm thinking this new no-nap-experiment might be taking its toll on our sweet Stella.  We take things one day at a time, because when kids start to transition into different phases of life it rarely happens instantaneously, and sometimes you realize you're wrong about their needs.  One of the things I love about being a stay-at-home mom is that I can respond to Stella's needs each day and she doesn't often have to adjust to someone else's schedule.  Not to mention the fact that I get to catch these hilarious moments with my own eyes, and my own camera!

Phases.

We're hitting a lot of milestones around here.  Stella is potty training, we just put away all her cloth diapers in exchange for pull-ups and disposables for this process, and she is also in the middle of dropping her nap (I think...?).  I can't help but think of how motherhood, or rather childhood, is full of phases.

I can clearly remember the emotions that washed over me as I folded up her first batch of 0-3 month old clothing for storage.  I sat on the floor with piles of clothes surrounding me and just cried.  I thought to myself, "It will never be as fun as it has been for the past three months.  I will never feel the same way as I did about this first, magical phase of her life.  It's only going downhill from here!"  Needless to say, I think I was still a little hormonal...

I can remember my mother, and many other women who had journeyed through motherhood, reminding me that it only gets better.  There have been a few things people have said about motherhood that I really agree with, and this is one of them.  Every day, even the hard days, is more gratifying and more fun than the one before.  I still feel a pang of heartache when we close different chapters in Stella's life.  Tim and I no longer say, "Can you change the baby?"  We've moved on to, "Will you take her to use the potty?"  In the past few days we don't put her in her crib for a nap, but this afternoon she sleepily snuggled on the couch with me.  I find that each new phase comes with a renewed joy for this blessing of being Stella's mom.

A Walk on the Beach.

One of the ways we delight in life here in Southern NH is to take advantage of living so close to the ocean.  It's definitely a great joy in my life and has been since growing up on the coast of Massachusetts, both in Rockport and on Cape Cod.  I'm so thankful for the ocean, and Stella seems to love it, too, as evidenced by our walk on the beach this weekend.  Love these pictures...great memories!

Her mittens look a lot smaller when she's not actually wearing them...

Stella's literally saying "TA-DA!!!" in this picture.

My new fave.

My two loves.

A little chat with dad.

Stella deep in thought.

Simple Life.

I look around our tiny livingroom and one thing that catches my eye is the book Simple Life which sits on our end table.  To be honest, I haven't read the book (Tim likes it) but the title alone reminds me to make the choice to live simply every day.  I stumbled over writing the word "choice" because, in reality, there are many ways we have no other choice but to live simply.  We could, of course, choose to put purchases on a credit card and worry about the consequences later, but having been there and done that before we both are content to live within our means...even if that means we don't have as much as most of our friends. 

In spite of a feeling of contentment most days, there are certainly moments where other feelings creep in...ugly feelings:  jealousy, pride, judgment.  I am quick to compare myself with other people and to assume the worst of everyone else but myself.  A quick reminder that God is in control and He knows just what I need is generally enough to get me refocused on Christ's priorities for my life.  Many of the "things" I count as blessings in my life have invaluable worth - I have a loving husband, a joy-filled daughter, the life I always dreamed of as a stay at home mom, and all of my needs are met; my relationship with Christ, my highest priority, is richer than I could imagine and it's growing.  Why, then is it so easy for me to fall back into the usual patterns of judgment, pride, and jealousy when I see people who have it seemingly easy, materially?  I don't have the answer to that, besides that it's due to the leanings of my sinful heart.  I wonder what God might be protecting us from by calling us to a life that prohibits us from great material gain?  I guess what I'm struggling with is a constant contentment. 

I took two pictures for this blog post - the one at the top of this entry is a picture of the book binding up close.  When I backed up, to show more of our livingroom, I realized the answer to my question is literally sitting right in front of me.  What I saw in the background of the second photo took my breath away.  We hung the portrait of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery in our livingroom window - it's a daily reminder of God's grace in my life.  I fell in love with it instantly when I first saw in a window at our church...eventually, when the church was through with it, it found its way to our home.  In taking this photo I realized that I am that woman.  Every time I step outside of contentment and into sin, I am that woman caught in adultery.  I cheat on God, saying, "What you have given me is not enough, if you could just give me more then I would be truly content."   I feel truly content whenever I am resting in God and His plans for me, unwavering.  I guess that's my ultimate answer. 

Boredum Busters...

My little clown.

Although I cannot recall a milder winter, it's still that home-stretch of February/March when boredom creeps in and, especially with a 22 month old, you need to get creative about what to do to keep them occupied (and to keep YOURSELF sane)!  Here is a pictorial review of just some of our boredom busters this winter:

Finger Painting!

Burger King PlayPlace

Dress up and playing with Stella's kitchen.

Riding bikes at PLAY! in Lee.

Walking around Target with a giant teddy bear...literally just doing laps around the store.

Sliding on the slides at PLAY!

Watching the TV's at Target (keep in mind we don't have a TV, so this is pretty novel for Stella).

Saying "no."

This past month has been mentally exhausting.  I don't think I really processed through it until now, when I feel like I can finally breathe.  It was around Thanksgiving that Tim asked me to teach at a church event called the Family Ministries Summit.  Tim, being the Director of Family Ministries, was co-directing this day-long conference on February 11th, 2012; the conference covered topics from parenting to marriage to finances to dating, and everything in between.  Because of our experience this fall in a Crown Financial Ministries small group, Tim thought it would be a good idea for me to teach on How To Stretch A Buck.  I said "yes" thinking, "It's next year?...Sure thing!" and without much consideration for how much deadlines and teaching prep stress me out!  I have a problem - I love teaching, but I strongly dislike the work that goes into preparing to teach.  I enjoy the actual experience but the background work, the time, the effort and the thoughts that go into lesson planning are generally overwhelming to me.

The class went well - I think it was helpful, we had people from all different walks of life in attendance, and Tim helped with one section by sharing on a biblical view of money.  However, I made him promise me the day before the Summit that he wouldn't ask me to teach again - even if, the day after, I told him that I really enjoyed it and looked forward to next year.  I knew I'd feel like the whole thing was great after it was all over, and, sure enough, that's exactly how I felt.  It reminded me, in a distant way, of childbirth.  We had an amazing birth experience overall (especially in hindsight), but if you replayed Stella's birth moment-by-moment you would have undoubtedly heard me saying that I couldn't do it or that I wanted to die or that I needed someone to "please God HELP ME!"  Obviously, teaching prep doesn't quite compare to natural childbirth, but you get the gist.

In the days since the Summit is over, I've been trying to figure out what about the experience was so exhausting.  I think I've come up with the answer.  Since becoming a mom I don't live in a world of deadlines and teaching prep.  I don't have a boss who expects certain things of me.  I don't have volunteers, students and fellow employees who are depending on me to get the job done.  My life has been converted to a level of simplicity I haven't known in years.  I've hit my groove with motherhood and I am in love with my daughter and the job of taking care of her.  God has given me gifts and things to share, but my number one job is Stella; when I have something hanging over my head that is distracting me from this first-rate job I can get easily overwhelmed.  Part of being a good mom is learning when to say "no."