Weaning.

The process has begun - I can feel it.  My baby is growing up and my body is slowing down when it comes to nursing her.  Depending on the time of day, my feelings on this SWING like a wildly oscillating pendulum - it's almost like I'm going through an eleven-month-delayed postpartum episode.  Thankfully, my friend Heather and I were able to talk the other day before she left for vacation; Heather is a lactation consultant and RN...I frequently ask myself "what would I have done without her?"  I don't think anyone can fully understand these feelings unless you've experienced the joy and satisfaction of breastfeeding a child.  I have friends who value breastfeeding and who stuck with it, but my personal experience with nursing my baby has been far greater than anything I anticipated it would be before giving birth to Stella.  Part of me is not ready to give it up, but I think a bigger part of me is not willing to fight the process that is naturally happening, especially when Stella seems to be just fine through it all.

I have loved being Stella's provider in this way.  I have felt proud of her chubby leg rolls, knowing I put them there!  It feels good to know that she has needed me.  I love the bond we created.  Am I still her provider?  Yes.  Am I still proud?  Yes.  Does she still need me?  Yes.  Are we still connected in wonderful ways?  Yes.  But something is different as we move into this next phase in her life, and I'm going through a period of mourning as it feels like a loss to me.  It's bittersweet to see your child growing up; I want to freeze time, but I also recognize that I'm doing my job and this is natural and good.

I gave her a bottle today and she held it by herself in her little hands while she rested in my arms.  Tim and I both agreed it was one of the cutest things we've ever seen.  So, I'll do my best to take joy in this new phase...God knows that saying "goodbye" to breastfeeding isn't the last farewell of parenthood!  By his grace, with each goodbye comes a new, beautiful phase of life with Stella.