The Paradox of Motherhood.

I've been thinking a lot about the paradox of motherhood.  Being a mom is the most wonderful, fulfilling and sacred job I can imagine, and yet at the same time it can be terribly lonely.

Stella is eleven months old and she takes two, super-long naps each day; this gives me a lot of time to think...and to be at home "alone."  I still try to get out once a day, to see a friend, entertain at home, go to the store or run errands, but given that I believe my baby's sleep is an important part of her growth and development, and the fact that she sleeps best/longest/most comfortably in her crib, I spend several hours a day here at home...my "window of opportunity" to get out is generally the lunchtime hours, timed pretty carefully so that she doesn't fall asleep in the car on the way home.  I'm certainly flexible if there are opportunities to get out and it doesn't fit perfectly into Stella's nap schedule, but our days are better if she sleeps and therein lies some of my loneliness.

I've also come to the conclusion that living in Nottingham is lonely.  Tim and I realized, that with a few exceptions, many people move to Nottingham because they don't really want neighbors...at least not the kind of neighbors that really share life together.  We, thankfully, have some wonderful neighbors who have been a great source of support and love, but for the most part it can feel pretty isolating to live in the boonies.  I generally have to drive at least 30 minutes to get most places, and there are no sidewalks in our town, which makes popping out of the house for a stroll quite challenging.  The woods are beautiful, but the ice and snow is still feet high out in these parts!  I've spent a lot of time inside with my baby this winter, and I'm more than ready for spring to arrive.  I haven't known the true meaning of cabin fever until this winter with a baby.

Despite my recent reflections on the solitary nature of motherhood, I would not trade this job for anything in the world.  I have never felt so fulfilled and purposeful in my entire life and I can honestly say I haven't experienced a moment of questioning this calling.  I think of the phrase, "it's lonely at the top," and I'm Stella's "top" if you will; there is no one before me, not even Tim, in her world.  She depends on me for nearly everything and I depend on God, on my husband, my family and my friends for support through this journey, but ultimately, the buck stops with me when it comes to raising my daughter on a day-in day-out basis.

I do take joy in this phase of her development and am trying to be more purposeful with those many hours of naptime - I realize there are probably millions of mothers out there who would want to rip my face off for sounding whiny about too much naptime, but those who have walked through this phase of child development have expressed similar sentiments of feeling somewhat locked-down.  I'm doing my best to spend more time doing edifying things, like reading, studying Scripture, praying, checking up on friends, etc.  I am also looking forward to spring and to the freedom that will come with moving eventually (think: sidewalks...top on the list of "must-have's" in our future town...).  In the meantime, may God use this temporary season of loneliness to develop my character.

Perspective.

Stella and I went to register my car today.  I brought a few books for her because it usually takes a LONG time to get your car registered in Nottingham...we have a po-dunk town hall and the hours are weird, so there is a line, lots of the time.  I sat down and there were three people ahead of us; I knew we'd have a wait.  

Stella read her books and talked a lot - she had a few people smiling.  There was one man there who caught her attention, though.  She kept looking at him and he would sometimes wave at her or offer a smile.  When I looked at him I thought to myself, "He looks so tired and sad."  He was a younger man - in his late thirties, maybe - but he just looked a bit disheveled, he clearly hadn't shaved in a few days, he had bags under his eyes, his clothes were kind of dirty, and he had an air of sorrow about him.  

After a while, two of the three people were done with their business and had left the town clerk's office, then it was the sad man's turn to be helped.  The room is quite small and it was only me, him, and the town clerk left.  It was then I realized why this man looked so sorrowful.  

He spoke softly, but definitely loud enough that I could hear their conversation in the tiny room.  He explained to the town clerk that his wife had passed away last month; their only car was registered in her name and the registration had expired in January...she died in February.  He needed to get the car transferred to his name and update its registration.  My heart sank.  No wonder he looked like he was having a rough time.  The town clerk was lovely to him, appropriately comforting and sympathetic.  She called a few people and got everything sorted out for him.  As things were finished she said to him, "You're all set now.  I'm very sorry for your loss."  He turned to walk away, but not before saying, "So am I."  I wanted to run after him, to hug him, to let him hold Stella and to cry together, but I stayed glued to my chair. 

I held my little baby in my arms and thought about my husband, about how thankful I am for my loved ones.  It's no guarantee that everyone in my life will stick around, that everything will be fine and there will be no suffering.  As I left the office after getting my registration, Stella and I prayed for that man.  I cannot imagine going through the searing pain of loss without Jesus in my life.  I prayed that he would know the comfort of God's love in his time of mourning.  I am thankful for the reminder to count my blessings.  I'm thankful for the reminder to not allow frustration to creep in when you wait in line for something...you never know what people are going through in life, about how much more significant someone's problems may be than your own feelings of being inconvenienced by waiting.

Thanks for the bear, Rick, Molly, and Jack!

Thanks to Rick, Molly, and Jack Place for one of Stella's favorite toys - this is how she carries it around the house:

Stella Stats.

Stella is just over eleven months old now and I have one word for that:  NUTS!

Some things I want to remember about her at this age:

• She sucks her right thumb only and snuggles a lot on my left shoulder.
• She's maneuvering her way around furniture like a pro, but she hasn't yet taken her first steps unassisted.
• She sometimes lets go and stands in one place, until she realizes she has let go...and then she falls.
• Her favorite thing is to feed herself and I think she feels insulted when I try to feed her, because she rejects me nearly every time.
• She likes to take a bottle and I'm enjoying giving it to her, but she still nurses a few times a day.
• Weight - about 20 lbs.
• Height - about 29 inches.
• Teeth: 8 (4 top, 4bottom).
• Her facial expressions are endless...wonder where she gets that from...?

• She talks like it's going out of style, but her only intelligible words are "mama", "dada", "da" for dog, and "num-num" for milk.
• She mimics us if we do an extended blink...only it's way cuter when she does it.
• She dances when she hears music...primarily by head-banging, which is hilarious.
• She's always in a great mood in the morning (def. gets this from ME and not her father...) and she generally plays in her crib with a few books and her sheep toy for up to a half an hour.
• Sometimes she cries when we cough or sneeze unexpectedly, but she smiles whenever she sneezes.
• She plays her xylaphone like it's second nature.
• She's already a voracious reader, which is adorable; she holds books correctly and flips the pages while speaking out loud nearly the entire time, with lots of inflection.

Gosh, I love this kid so much!

On another note, HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY to the best husband and father in the entire world, Timothy...I love YOU so much!

Stella In Her Highchair.

Mmmmm...blueberries.

Hi Dad.

DADDY!!

I know I'm beautiful...

...and CRAZY!

Please, no more photos.

Ok, just one more.

Tiny Tim Loves Her Daddy.

Stella, A.K.A. Tiny Tim, loves her daddy...

I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

Living God's Dream.

I've been feeling convicted lately.  I think most people who have shared a similar experience would say it's not necessarily comfortable, but it sure is better than the alternative:  comfort.  I'm really excited about the work God is doing in my heart, in my husband's heart, and in a few, dear friends.  Tim and I have been challenged, recently, to really look at God's Word, the Bible, examine it, and apply it to our life in practical ways.  As a Christian, this may seem like a no-brainer - if I call myself a believer in Jesus, then I should be living out his teachings in my daily life...that is certainly easier said than done.  The thing is, I'm not interested in easy.

Tim and I want to live more radically for God - to serve more selflessly, to love more deeply, and to follow Jesus in ways that tests what is "normal."  We are fairly certain that this chapter of life in our current house is coming to a close, whether it be through a short-sale or other means we will likely be moving on at some point in the near future.  I am excited by the freedom that comes with not owning a home...we can go anywhere God calls us!  It's amazing how when you grow closer to God the trappings of the world seem pretty insignificant.  The American Dream cannot be compared to God's dream for my life.  God's dream extends far beyond the way most people define success and happiness in the world; God's dream is so much bigger than a house, a picket fence, 2 kids and a dog, or anything we can build with our own hands.

Right now, I've got to go live God's dream by responding to the needs of my eleven month old daughter who is just waking up from her nap.  Who knows what else He has is store for me later?!