Lucky.

I think everyone feels this way at some point:  you are talking to someone and they say something to you that is meant to be "nice" but ends up stinging a little.  I was reading a fellow mommy-blogger's blog and this happens to her regularly; she has a daughter with a severe, chronic medical condition; this rare condition prevents her daughter from ever living at home - her daughter will spend her entire life in a hospital because her daily treatment is so extensive that she is unable to be cared for in her parent's home.  This mother hears people say to expectant moms, "As long as your baby is healthy and happy, that's all that matters."  I've said this to my pregnant friends, many times.  But what if your baby is not healthy...what then?  Now, we all know that any good parent would give their child unconditional, loving care regardless of whether they are healthy (or happy, for that matter), but it still makes you think about the things we often say to people without really thinking.

My thing has to do with the word "lucky."  I often get asked what I do...like, what is my job now that Stella has come into our lives?  Especially since we just moved to a new place we are meeting a lot of new people and this is a pretty typical part of those first-time conversations with neighbors and new friends.  The conversation goes something like this:

New person:  "So, what do you do?  Are you working outside the home?"

Me:  "Well, I used to work in fundraising but now I'm a stay-at-home-mom."

New Person:  "Oh, you're lucky you're able to do that." OR, "You're lucky you can afford to do that."

Me:  "Yea..."

I know most people are not really interested in the full story in these first, just-getting-acquainted, conversations...about how our decision for me to stay at home has led us to a pretty devastating place, financially.  About how we decided to prioritize the needs of our new family, and what we feel God has called us all to as a new family, over our house.  About how that will very likely lead to foreclosure unless a miracle occurs in the next two weeks - and then possibly even greater financial ruin if the money we owe goes to collections.  I think when people hear that I stay at home that they mostly assume we are doing well financially.  Realistically, we absolutely cannot afford to make this decision, when it comes strictly to the money.  The real question is, can we afford to make the alternative choice (me working full-time) when it comes to being obedient to this new calling of being present for Stella's childhood?  I'd rather sacrifice anything in this world to do the job I've been given as a mom, even if that means I might face embarrassment and shame from the earthly consequences of our choice.

I'm learning to own the results of our decision to walk away from the house.  We knew when we made this choice that there was a possibility that things could end in foreclosure and even bankruptcy.  It's harder than I thought it would be because we had such faith that things would end differently.  It looked like the buyers were a sure-thing all along and we figured the sale would progress.  When they decided to walk away so abruptly a few weeks ago, at the very end of this whole long process, we were left in the emotional lurch.  

Here is what I know and what gets me through:

I am blessed to have a husband who is fully supportive of my new role.  

I am blessed to have a husband who feels called and committed to his job - and one who doesn't make his decisions based on money, but on God's will.

I am confident of my new calling and I have never loved any job more...nothing I have done thus far has even come close to the absolute joy I experience as a mom.

I will accept all of the consequences of our choice.  I will "own it" as my mom says.  We are responsible for what is happening.

I will not follow the wisdom of the world if it means doing something contrary to God's will for my life.

God's character remains the same regardless of whatever lousy things may happen in life.

I don't believe in luck.