I've been thinking a lot about the paradox of motherhood. Being a mom is the most wonderful, fulfilling and sacred job I can imagine, and yet at the same time it can be terribly lonely.
Stella is eleven months old and she takes two, super-long naps each day; this gives me a lot of time to think...and to be at home "alone." I still try to get out once a day, to see a friend, entertain at home, go to the store or run errands, but given that I believe my baby's sleep is an important part of her growth and development, and the fact that she sleeps best/longest/most comfortably in her crib, I spend several hours a day here at home...my "window of opportunity" to get out is generally the lunchtime hours, timed pretty carefully so that she doesn't fall asleep in the car on the way home. I'm certainly flexible if there are opportunities to get out and it doesn't fit perfectly into Stella's nap schedule, but our days are better if she sleeps and therein lies some of my loneliness.
I've also come to the conclusion that living in Nottingham is lonely. Tim and I realized, that with a few exceptions, many people move to Nottingham because they don't really want neighbors...at least not the kind of neighbors that really share life together. We, thankfully, have some wonderful neighbors who have been a great source of support and love, but for the most part it can feel pretty isolating to live in the boonies. I generally have to drive at least 30 minutes to get most places, and there are no sidewalks in our town, which makes popping out of the house for a stroll quite challenging. The woods are beautiful, but the ice and snow is still feet high out in these parts! I've spent a lot of time inside with my baby this winter, and I'm more than ready for spring to arrive. I haven't known the true meaning of cabin fever until this winter with a baby.
Despite my recent reflections on the solitary nature of motherhood, I would not trade this job for anything in the world. I have never felt so fulfilled and purposeful in my entire life and I can honestly say I haven't experienced a moment of questioning this calling. I think of the phrase, "it's lonely at the top," and I'm Stella's "top" if you will; there is no one before me, not even Tim, in her world. She depends on me for nearly everything and I depend on God, on my husband, my family and my friends for support through this journey, but ultimately, the buck stops with me when it comes to raising my daughter on a day-in day-out basis.
I do take joy in this phase of her development and am trying to be more purposeful with those many hours of naptime - I realize there are probably millions of mothers out there who would want to rip my face off for sounding whiny about too much naptime, but those who have walked through this phase of child development have expressed similar sentiments of feeling somewhat locked-down. I'm doing my best to spend more time doing edifying things, like reading, studying Scripture, praying, checking up on friends, etc. I am also looking forward to spring and to the freedom that will come with moving eventually (think: sidewalks...top on the list of "must-have's" in our future town...). In the meantime, may God use this temporary season of loneliness to develop my character.
